Space Cop: Attack of the Twilight Vampires
by Onimiman
Summary: In the fourth entry of my Space Cop series, Rich Evans returns as Space Cop in order to stop the Twilight vampires from destroying all of reality... Yes, really. I would most definitely like to hear any comments about this.
1. Chapter 1

**Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Earth**

Rich Evans, formerly known as Space Cop, took another gulp of Pabst Blue Ribbon before setting it down heavily on the bar counter before him. Sitting on a barstool, Rich looked at his surroundings and saw that by now, there were only a few other people - all men - here and there who lounged in their seats at some tables. He sighed, disappointed that there were no women here yet again - and it wasn't even a gay bar, like the last time Rich made that mistake.

Of course, given his truly empty love life, Rich sometimes wondered whether or not on a subconscious level, he was so desperate for some fucking these days that he would take a dick in the ass. Alas, however, Rich was never drunk enough to find even the sexiest man he could find attractive enough to copulate with.

It had been three months since his best friend, Mike Stoklasa, returned him to this crappy hellhole of a reality; here, Rich was just regular old Richard William Thomas Evans III, and not the awesomeness that was once known as Space Cop; Space Cop, who traveled realities to stop bad guys from causing heinous shit, fucked more alien women than Captain Jim Kirk, and who wasn't loosed on a planet where no woman could possibly want him. And the ironic praise that fans of Red Letter Media gave him was just so damned empty.

How was he going to go on after all this?

After two hours of sitting on that bar stool, Rich flinched at the sound of a sudden explosion. He abruptly turned on the stool and found a red mist already dissipating a few meters away to reveal a naked red-skinned man - who seemed to lack a cock - with horns on his forehead. What few people remained in the bar looked at the figure in their drunken stupors, but otherwise, none of them reacted; not even Rich Evans.

"Richard William Thomas Evans the Third," the red man said in a loud declaration, "I am Satan! And I need your help!"

"How come you don't have a dick?" Rich asked as he looked at the Devil's dick-less crotch, completely oblivious to who he was talking to.

Satan's form sagged in annoyance as he stared at Rich in contempt. "If you wanna make any _Dogma_ jokes, let 'em all out right now. This is serious business."

"Aside from you're just like a Ken doll, I got nothing, so forget it," Rich said with a nonchalant wave. "What do you want, Satan?"

Satan looked at Rich in perplexity. "Really? You're not at all impressed or terrified that you're talking to the very Prince of Darkness here? In fact, since you're obviously an atheist, I would think you'd at least be shocked that you were wrong about my non-existence!"

"Dude, I helped cause a Multiversal orgy, and I spotted God fucking his own son there," Rich said. "So I knew about your existence based on the existence of God alone, and nothing else surprises me anymore. Also, you still don't have a dick, so again, I'm not impressed."

Satan sighed. "Well, anyway, I need you to return as Space Cop."

"Okay," Rich said with an equally nonchalant shrug. "What for?"

"To stop a greater evil than- Wait, weren't you just all melancholy a moment ago about not being Space Cop?" Satan asked. "Wouldn't this opportunity inspire some greater feeling in you?"

"No," Rich stated simply. "Now go on, what was it you wanted me to do?"

Satan shook his head to get back on track. "I need you back as Space Cop to help stop a greater evil than myself from destroying all of reality," Satan answered.

"Miley Cyrus?" Rich asked.

"Not that bad! If she ever figured out how she can take over Hell with her twerking, she'll be unstoppable!

"No, the real danger lies with...

"The vampires from _Twilight_!"

Rich remained silent for a moment. "What?" he asked in incredulity.

"That is correct, Rich Evans," Satan said. "Something happened in the universe where the characters from _Twilight_ exist; you know about Renesmee, Bella and Edward's daughter?"

"I've heard about it," Rich said. "I didn't actually bother to see the last _Twilight_ movie because the first one sucked ass, but _Twilight_'s one of those things that I know things about just by hearing it from other people. So I've heard about the daughter."

"Okay," Satan said. "Well, anyway, she disappeared some time ago, and now, Bella Swan has taken over her vampire clan. They work for her now, and they intend to destroy all of reality for Renesmee's loss, because they believe the child to be dead."

"What happened to the kid?" Rich asked, still in an uncaring attitude.

"I don't fucking know, you expect me to know everything?" Satan asked impatiently.

"Well, you are God's opposite in the balance between good and evil, so... yeah, I do kinda expect you to know everything," Rich said. "Actually, come to think of it, since you're the Devil, why don't you just stop these sparkly pricks from taking over reality, however the hell they're doing it."

"They're going to _destroy_ reality, dumbass," Satan angrily corrected him.

"Hey, if you're not gonna be nice to me, I might just let these assholes take over reality," Rich said.

Satan's eyes were raised before he immediately calmed down with a loud exhale. "Alright, I'm sorry I called you a dumbass."

Rich nodded. "And you gotta tell me why neither you or God are able to stop the _Twilight_ vampires from destroying all of reality."

Satan paused at the realization that Rich was catching on to the "vampires'" goal. "Well, there's some kind of unknown barrier around them that's preventing even the combined powers of God, myself, and both our armies of servants from penetrating it."

Rich sighed. "Of course there's gotta be a field like that. So I assume it's either advanced technology or some kind of mystic spell, right?"

"Well, since the _Twilight_ universe isn't set in a futuristic world, and since it has a supernatural element to it, I'd think it's the latter," Satan reasoned.

"Don't rule out the possibility of some kind of interdimensional misanthropic mastermind of using the _Twilight_ vampires to destroy all of reality," Rich said. "And he may have advanced tech."

"Possible," Satan agreed.

"Well, are there any witches in the _Twilight_ universe?" Rich asked.

"Not in either the movies or the books," Satan answered.

"What about what's not in the movies or books?" Rich inquired.

Satan paused for a moment. "You know, maybe there are some witches. It would fit the world."

"Alright, so you need me to go, find out what's going on, and stop them, right?" Rich asked. "Got it. Just let me go back home and get my Space Cop uniform."

"Already done," Satan said. He snapped his fingers, and then the Space Cop uniform was once again on Rich Evans. The latter looked at himself for a moment. "So can we go now?"

"Yeah, sure," Space Cop said. And then they both disappeared in a red mist, leaving the near-empty bar completely and utterly silent.


	2. Chapter 2

Aboard an airplane heading for Forks, Washington, red mist appeared in the vacant bathroom for coach. Once the mist cleared to nothingness, Space Cop was sitting on the toilet.

He looked about himself before saying, "Satan, where am I?"

"How'd you know I was still here?" the Devil's disembodied voice said from out of nowhere.

"You're an all-powerful entity, I'd think I can talk to you like this even if you're not visible," Space Cop pointed out. "Oh, wait, I forgot, you're not all-powerful, since you can't break that whatever barrier that's around the _Twilight_ vampires."

"Oh, shut up," Satan replied. "Now, you're aboard an airplane heading for Forks, Washington. Once you come out, you'll head to Seat 1A. Everyone aboard the plane will think that you're someone who actually boarded the plane to begin with."

"Okay, so what'd you do?" Space Cop asked. "Give 'em false memories or something?"

"Both," Satan said. "I just killed the person sitting at 1A by sucking his soul to hell and leaving his body to turn to dust before I made that disappear, too. Then I gave them false memories of making the person at 1A go to this bathroom."

"You did that in the few seconds we had between transporting me from my reality to this one?" Space Cop asked, completely indifferent to Satan killing someone like that.

"Do you not remember that I have near-unlimited powers and abilities?" Satan asked.

"At least you acknowledged that your powers are only near-unlimited," Space Cop stated dryly. "But tell me, why the fuck do I have to be on a plane to Forks? Why can't you just transport my ass over to Forks directly?"

"Because if I teleport you directly to Forks, the proximity of supernatural activity would alert the vampires there, like Alice or Edward," Satan said. "And then your cover will be blown."

"How far do their senses extend?" Space Cop asked. "I would think that if there were any supernatural activity on Earth, or even in the air for that matter, people like Alice or Edward, as you said, might actually sense that."

"Yes, but you see, that's why I killed the original person at 1A," the Devil said. "There were different effects in my powers between killing that person and transporting you here; it essentially cancelled out whatever reverberations that could be felt by supernatural creatures who can sense that kind of shit. Now get the fuck out of the bathroom."

"Why, you have to go?" Space Cop replied wryly.

"Well, look, if you want to ask me anymore questions, no one will notice; the same spell I cast upon you to make you look like the 1A person will prevent anyone from seeing you talking as if you were talking to yourself," Satan said.

"What if I wanted to talk to someone on the plane?" Space Cop asked.

"Then you can talk to someone and they'll notice," Satan said.

"Okay, okay, just let me take a piss first, that Pabst Blue Ribbon goes right through me," Space Cop said before standing up. He turned, unzipped his pants, and started to pee. "Are you perving, by the way?"

"Why would I want to stare at your dick?" Satan asked. "I've seen much sexier men with bigger, thicker, and overall better cocks than yours."

"So, wait, do you just know about my dick from being a supernatural entity?" Space Cop asked.

"Oh, no, I've seen your dick a few seconds ago, I just don't want to see it ever again," Satan responded.

Space Cop sighed before he finished and zipped up his pants. "Thanks for bringing up my confidence," he said sarcastically. He turned and walked out.

"You forgot to wash your hands, you know," Satan said.

"Shut up," Space Cop muttered as he headed to Seat 1A.

Once Space Cop sat down at 1A, after squeezing between a fat old Caucasian couple who were sleeping, he asked Satan, "So who was the person who you just killed, Satan?"

"Why do you care?" Satan asked.

Space Cop shrugged nonchalantly. "Just curious. I don't really have anything else to do to pass the time. By the way, how far are we from Forks now."

"A few hours," Satan answered. "Can't you just read a magazine or newspaper or something?"

Space Cop raised a brow. "You seem awfully evasive in telling me who I replaced in this seat. If it's not so important, why not just tell me? I got a few hours to kill with nothing else to do."

"Well, like I said, it's not all that important, mainly because I have to tell you what you have to do to stop the _Twilight_ vampires," Satan said.

"So why tell me to pop open a magazine or newspaper?" Space Cop asked.

"Why do you ask so many damned questions?" Satan asked. "In fact, come to think of it, you seem particularly smart now. You weren't like this before. You used to be a fucking moron before."

"That's what happens when I return to reality for a bit," Rich Evans said. "Well, my reality, I should say."

"Alright," Satan said. "Well, anyway, once you touch down at Forks, you're going to have to meet up with Police Officer Charlie Swan, who you may know is Bella's father. From there, you'll become friends with him, and then you can use him to get close to his daughter, and not in the dirty way."

"How long will that have to take?" Space Cop asked. "Or will you just manipulate his mind so that he can become my friend automatically?"

"Can't, remember?" Satan replied. "Outright supernatural activity like that will alert the vampires. So you'll just have to become friends with Charlie on your own. And since you're a cop, you two might relate."

"Does that mean I'll have to join the Forks Police Department then?" Space Cop asked.

"Not necessarily, you can just say you retired early," Satan said. "Which you pretty much did anyway."

"Yeah, but I'm back, in case you forgot," Space Cop said in a dramatic tone.

After an awkward pause, Satan said, "Well, sure, but you still wouldn't have to join the Forks Police Department. Just be friends with Charlie Swan, is all I'm saying."

Space Cop frowned. "You just ruined my dramatic moment, Satan."

The Devil groaned. "Ah, whatever. Just be friends with Charlie, and I'll come back to tell you what else you'll have to do."

"Wait, you're leaving now?" Space Cop asked. "You still didn't tell me who I replaced in this seat."

Satan sighed irritably. "Gary Busey."

"Gary Busey?" Space Cop asked. "Wouldn't he be out of place aboard this plane? I mean, he's a celebrity... Oh, wait, no, his career's dead. What am I thinking? Well, at least you put him out of his misery so that he wouldn't have to be in anymore movies like _The Gingerdead Man_ or _Quigley_."

"He's in hell, remember?" Satan reminded him. "He's burning for all of eternity now... Well, actually, no, his mind is hell in and of itself. So I making him burn is pretty much nothing at this point."


	3. Chapter 3

She was dangerous; she was monstrous; she was darkness incarnate. She was so powerful that Satan himself was too weak to stop her; she commanded a legion of blood-sucking creatures and those who turned into carnivorous animals at her disposal. She planned to consume not only this world, but of all of reality, until all was hers.

Her name: Bella Swan-Cullen.

From her private underground fortress in the woods of Forks, Washington, Bella sat on the center throne, which was a soft chair from Ikea, elevated by a wooden dais. Her expression was devoid of any and all emotion; the blackness of her heart, her evil intentions, her cruel ideas; they all forbade that.

On one side of her was her husband, Edward, sitting on a throne (again, from Ikea) elevated downward from Bella's; on the other side, sitting on a throne elevated at the same level as Edward's, was Jacob Black, Bella's long-time friend and her lieutenant in commanding the werewolves.

Together, the three of them waited in the dark, empty room, the atmosphere reflecting the horrors that Bella's heart radiated by her mere presence alone. Finally, the door opened, and Alice - the one who could foresee the future - entered.

"What news do you have?" Bella asked. Although Edward had already read Alice's mind in advance for this, it only maintained her authority over all the vampires that she should ask Alice this directly.

"It is as you feared, Milady," Alice said grimly. "Although he was able to evade the senses of the witch, Edward, and myself, he failed to escape your notice, as you felt; Satan is here to stop you, and he has brought someone along to meet with your father."

"Then we must put the plan into action now," Bella affirmed. "I was hoping that we could do this after we have overtaken all of reality, but alas, that is not to be. What do you see in starting this plan now, Alice?"

Alice went silent for a moment as she fell into one of her visions. When the vision had passed, she smiled. "We will succeed, Milady."

.

Hours after entering Forks, Washington, Space Cop headed over to the nearest diner to grab a quick bite. He sat down in one of the booths, and two seconds later, a blonde, perky waitress was at his side.

"What can I get for you?"

"Cup o' joe, and some eggs, please," Space Cop answered.

Once the waitress was done writing down his order, she said, "Comin' right up," and turned to fulfill his order.

On the other side of the booth, still invisible to all but Space Cop, Satan looked lustfully after the waitress and looked back at Space Cop. "She makes me wanna come up, if you know what I mean," Satan said with a nod at Space Cop.

Space Cop looked back at the Prince of Darkness with disdain. "Clever," the fat man said sarcastically.

"Oh, c'mon," Satan said, "don't you wanna tap that?"

Space Cop shrugged. "I wouldn't mind, but after all the orgies I've been to, I kinda became desensitized to it."

"Your sexual appetite's pretty low, huh?" Satan said. It wasn't a question.

Space Cop nodded.

The door to the diner opened with a rang of its overhead bell, and Satan nodded at the door's direction. Space Cop turned and saw a dark-haired, mustached Caucasian male cop step into the diner and approach the counter casually.

"That's Charlie Swan," Satan explained. "He's Bella's dad. Remember, get to be friends with him, and he'll lead you to the deaths of his daughter and all her vampire and werewolf cronies."

"Okay then," Space Cop said before he stood out from the booth and walked over to the empty stool next to Charlie. Once he sat on that stool, Space Cop said to the older man, "Hi, my name is Rich Evans, and I'm a cop like you. You wanna be friends?"

Charlie looked at Space Cop with a raised eyebrow. "You're a cop? Where from?"

"Milwaukee, Wisconsin," Space Cop answered. "I'm on vacation right now."

Charlie tilted his head. "Okay. Why do you wanna be friends with me?"

"Well, do you remember when Jacob Black stripped down in front of you and-"

"Stop," Charlie said with a wave of his hand. "I don't swing that way. And while I'm sure that you're a nice fellow, Rich, I don't even wanna see you naked."

"What? No, I didn't mean that. I was leading up to the fact that Jacob became a werewolf before your eyes."

Charlie's eyebrows were raised in realization. "Oh, yeah, now I remember that." His brow lowered in suspicion. "Wait, how do you know that?"

"That doesn't matter," Space Cop said. "The point is, you're somehow gonna help me bring him down, along with your daughter and everyone at her command."

Charlie hesitated as he looked at Space Cop like the latter was a crazy man spouting nonsense. "And why would I help you do that?"

"Because Satan brought me into this reality to stop your vampire daughter and her legion of vampires and werewolves from overcoming not only this earth, but also all of reality," Space Cop said.

"You lack tact, I noticed," Satan said from behind Space Cop in a sardonic manner.

"Okay, now tell me why I shouldn't call the men in white coats to haul you off into the nearest psychward?" Charlie asked.

Space Cop looked at Charlie incredulously. "Did you forget about the fact that a guy became a werewolf?"

"Just because there's a werewolf doesn't automatically mean there are vampires," Charlie argued. "And besides, even if I were to buy into your story, I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't have anything that can possibly stop vampires and werewolves."

"Well, why don't you just take me back to your house, and we can find out if that's true?" Space Cop asked.

"Or how 'bout I take you back to the station and hold you there 'til you're hauled off to a mental institution?" Charlie retorted.

Space Cop went silent before he asked, "Satan?"

"What?" the Devil asked from behind Space Cop.

"Can't you just show up only to Charlie and me here to prove I'm not crazy?" Space Cop inquired.

"Sure," Satan replied casually.

All at once, Charlie's skeptical expression shifted into one of fear and surprise once he saw Satan standing behind Space Cop.

"Take us back to your home, or I make your inevitable death slow and painful, Charlie Swan," Satan intoned.

"Why didn't you just do that before?" Space Cop asked the Devil.

As Satan gave Space Cop an impatient glare, the waitress who took Space Cop's order showed up with his eggs and coffee and set it down on the counter.

"Thanks," Space Cop said casually.

"No problem," the waitress replied before turning away.

Satan then slapped the waitress's behind, prompting her to stop, turn around, and punch Space Cop in the back of the head, sending him sprawling on the counter, where his eggs and coffee fell over on the other side.

"Well, there goes my breakfast," Space Cop muttered, his face still on the counter. He raised a hand, as if in objection to what just happened to him. "And she won't be gettin' no tip either."

"You mean she will be getting a tip?" Satan asked mockingly beside Space Cop's ear.

"Shut up," Space Cop replied.

.

After Charlie parked his car in the driveway of his home, he, Space Cop, and Satan rushed out and headed inside.

"Okay, so what could we possibly be looking for?" Charlie asked as the three of them began searching the house.

"Something unnatural," Satan said as he overturned a sofa cushion. "Or at least something that I can feel is emanating some ineffable power."

"Then you search the house," Charlie said to the Devil in his face. "And leave it clean when you're done."

"Hey, I'm the friggin' Prince of Darkness here, you don't tell me what to do," Satan said, raising a finger in Charlie's face. "Okay, I'm the man who controls Hell and the level of torture that the spirits there have to suffer for the rest of time. Don't make me fry your porn-star mustached ass right here, right now, and make your suffer more pain than anyone else in Hell."

"Shouldn't it be porn-star mustached face?" Space Cop called from the bathroom.

"Shut up, and keep looking!" Satan called from the living room.

Charlie rolled his eyes in annoyance at the Prince of Darkness and continued to search the house.

Finally, the three of them came to the attic, where Space Cop discovered a strange toy; at once, Satan joined his side, and Charlie joined Space Cop's other side to see what it is.

"I sense great power from that thing," Satan stated.

"It's my daughter's toy spider-monkey," Charlie explained. "She had this weird thing, for a while, when she was a kid, where she'd dismember her toys and sew the pieces together on different toys. Here, she had the head of a Curious George toy and sewed it on the body of a decapitated spider. She let me have this little spider-monkey after her mother and I divorced so I wouldn't forget about her."

"Sounds like the beginning of a psycho to me," Space Cop said.

Charlie looked at Space Cop incredulously; but then his expression fell into one of acceptance as he nodded. "Well, yeah, she did fall into this period of depression after Edward left her for a few months, and she was-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know that part," Space Cop said. "Again, don't ask me how; it might damage your sanity."

"You mean knowing that he's a fictional character from where you come from?" Satan asked Space Cop.

"What?" Charlie asked.

"Nothing, never mind," Space Cop said. He looked at the Devil. "Satan, do what you have to on this thing to stop this vampire-werewolf threat."

Satan shook his head. "While I can sense the power within it, I am somehow unable to affect it."

"Great," Space Cop said. "First, you're unable to stop the vampires and werewolves directly because of an outside force, and now you can't even affect a mutilated toy. You seem pretty ineffectual for the Devil."

"Oh, shut up, you're the one who has to handle it," Satan said.

"Wait, what?" Space Cop asked.

"The power within it must be unlocked by you, Space Cop," Satan said.

"Wait, why are you calling him Space Cop?" Charlie asked.

"Shut the fuck up, Donny," Satan said.

"Donny?" Charlie inquired.

"You never seen _The Big Lebowski_?" Space Cop asked Charlie.

"No, is that a reference to it?" Charlie asked.

"Yes, and if you can't understand that, then stay outta this conversation," Satan said. "Life does not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit."

"Hey, this is my house, I can start and stop here whenever the fuck I like!" Charlie said. "You do not fuck a stranger in the ass like this in his own home, even if you are the Devil."

Space Cop and Satan looked at each other and shared a look in response to the inadvertent _Big Lebowski_ reference that Charlie just made.

"Okay," Space Cop said, "back on track. Why is this thing have to be unlocked by me?"

"Honestly, I have no idea, I just know that it'll respond to you," Satan said. "Which is why I sensed that I had to bring you here."

"Alright, so what do I have to do to unlock the power in this thing, Satan?"

"Bite Curious George's head off like you're Ozzy Osbourne," Satan said. "Which, for the record, does not impress me at all."

"You're not impressed that he bites off the heads of bats at his concerts?" Space Cop asked.

"I couldn't give less of a tenth of a fuck about that," Satan said.

"Uh, Rich," Charlie said, having moved away from the group to a window of the attic, "I think you may wanna bite Curious George's head off now."

Space Cop and Satan looked over at the window, and found an army of figures - those who looked like pale humans and giant wolves - began swarming all over the town of Forks like a massive tidal wave.

"The vampire-werewolf invasion has already begun," Satan said grimly. "Do what the man said, Space Cop, eat the monkey's head!"

"Do I really have to eat it?" Space Cop complained. "Can't I just spit it out after I bite it?"

"Just do it!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Or can't I just use some scissors to cut its head off? I don't know where this thing's been!"

"Bite the damned head off!" Charlie and Satan screamed simultaneously.

"Fine, fine, if you're gonna be so rude about it," Space Cop said before he widened his mouth and chomped down on Curious George's head. Two seconds later, he ripped it out and spit it to the floor.

After a moment, during which the vampires and werewolves miles away continued to swarm Forks by killing people - whether it'd be by sucking their blood, turning them into vampires or werewolves, or just ripping them apart into gory messes on the streets - nothing happened in Charlie's Swan's attic.

"It's not working!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Space Cop, I think you have to eat the head after all!" Satan exclaimed.

"Aww, but it's already on the floor!" Space Cop mewed. "How many diseases can I possibly get? And besides, I thought you knew about this shit even if you couldn't affect it."

Charlie and Satan growled, and then the former bent down, picked up the head, and shoved it in Space Cop's mouth.

"Now chew and swallow it, you fat fuck," Charlie said.

Space Cop complied, and once the head of the decapitated stuffed toy went down his gullet, a bright light emanated from the spider body. Space Cop, Charlie, and Satan watched as the bright light began to encompass the room.

"Oh, and by the way," Satan said in the brightness, "I only wished I knew everything about this thing."

Once the bright light dissolved in a flash, the three of them found themselves out in Charlie's front lawn, with dozens of massive robots crowding in around them. There were two groups of them, and they looked like they were going to throw down in an instant.

"Oh, my God, it's the Transformers!" Charlie exclaimed. "We're gonna get the Transformers to defeat the vampires and werewolves?"

"It seems like it," Space Cop said as one robot from each group split off to walk toward the three.

And those robots were Optimus Prime of the Autobots and Megatron of the Decepticons.

"You are Space Cop?" Optimus asked.

"Yes, I am," Space Cop said with a casual nod.

"In the few hours since you summoned us, Megatron and I have come to a deal," Optimus said with a glance at his archnemesis. "We have agreed to set aside our differences until the interdimensional threat of Bella Swan-Cullen and her legion of vampires and werewolves has ceased."

"Few hours?" Space Cop asked. "But it's only been seconds!"

"Not in their time," Satan clarified. "From their dimension, a few seconds here is a few hours for them in their reality."

"Okay, I guess that makes sense," Space Cop agreed. "But, again, why did I have to be here?"

"Because of your science-fiction background, which acts as bridge between these two worlds," Optimus explained.

"But what does that have to do with-"

Satan lay a hand on Space Cop's shoulder. "It's magic. Don't question it."

Space Cop sighed. "Fine." He looked back up at Optimus and Megatron. "Kill the vampires and werewolves."

"Autobots, roll out!" Optimus said with a wave of his hand before he transformed into his semi-truck form. He then zoomed down to the direction of the encroaching vampire-werewolf with his Autobots following, transforming into various vehicles in their wake.

"Decepticons, follow them!" Megatron commanded of his followers as they, too, transformed into various vehicles and followed the Autobots.

"That's a pretty lame order," Space Cop said once the Decepticons were gone.

"Okay, now we have to follow them," Satan said. "We need to capture one of the vampires or werewolves so they can lead us to whoever's responsible for blocking my power from affecting any of them."

"And we didn't go with them why?" Space Cop asked.

Satan growled before he snapped his fingers, and he, Space Cop, and Charlie, along with the latter's car, had all disappeared.

When next they manifested, they appeared in the middle of the vampire-werewolf invasion of Forks in the city. Blood, bodies, and damaged property was strewn about all over the streets as the vampires and werewolves continued to spread out across the globe.

Yet only a few vampires and werewolves remained, feeding on the remains of bodies before them. They were all but ignoring Space Cop, Satan, and Charlie.

"Here's your gun by the way," Satan said as Space Cop's power blaster just appeared in his hand, and he handed it over to Space Cop. "Now stun one of these bastards so we can get on with this."

"Thanks," Space Cop said as he casually set his gun to stun and fired at an approaching vampire: a pale, redheaded woman feeding on a corpse so mutilated that it ceased to be identifiable by sight. She dropped unconscious, and Space Cop, Satan, and Charlie approached the vampire to begin dragging her over to Charlie's police cruiser.

By the time they reached the car and placed the unconscious vamp in the backseat, the vampires and werewolves around them finally took notice of the unlikely trio, and vice versa.

"Can you teleport us out?" Space Cop asked.

"Not without the vampire here," Satan said, nodding his head to their unconscious charge. "Remember, my powers don't affect them. That's why I needed you in the first place."

"Then we're fucked?" Charlie asked.

"Not exactly," Space Cop said as the Transformers - both Autobots and Decepticons - finally appeared in the city and began battling the vampires and werewolves.

An Autobot and Decepticon, Ironhide and Starscream respectively, transformed from their vehicle modes to their true robotic forms to begin firing at the vampires and werewolves beneath them. The monsters who weren't gunned down or blown up by the Transformers' armaments scattered to take up positions where they can jump on the giant robots and try to tear them limb from limb.

"Let's go!" Charlie said.

Satan headed into the backseat with the unconscious vampire just as Charlie took the driver's seat and Space Cop the front passenger side. Once they were all in their seats and the doors were closed, Charlie sped forward, veering away from the violence and destruction that Ironhide and Starscream were wreaking upon the vamps and werewolves.

"Okay, Satan, where am I going?" Charlie asked.

"We don't know yet," Satan said. "Just keep driving and make sure that you two don't get killed while doing it."

"How are you gonna convince this vampire to tell us what she knows?" Space Cop asked. "You said your powers can't affect her, and I doubt she'd be willing to cooperate."

"True, which is why I'm going to need your gun again, Space Cop," Satan said. "You have some effect in there that gives off a truth serum or something?"

"Yeah, hold on, let me take care of it," Space Cop said before he made a setting change on his gun.

"I'll let the gun phase through with my power," Satan said.

Space Cop then passed the gun through the bars that separated the front and backseats, and the gun fell back into Satan's grasp. He pressed the muzzle up against the unconscious vampire's neck, and soon, she woke up.

"Who is helping Bella Swan-Cullen?" Satan asked.

"Miley Cyrus," the vampire answered groggily.

Everyone went silent for a moment, though Charlie kept driving and veering away from the destruction being wreaked by the Transformer-vampire-werewolf battle wrecking Forks's streets.

"Miley Cyrus?" Satan said in horror.

"She will use the deaths that this invasion will bring to power her own abilities, especially since she had to use them to block off your powers," the vampire explained. "Once enough deaths have accumulated, she will be power enough to destroy all of reality..."

"No," Satan whispered.

"By twerking," the vampire concluded.

"Where is Miley Cyrus?" Satan asked.

"Over at Disney Studios," the vampire answered. "She's trying to get _Hannah Montana_ back on the air, but with an adult edge that involves sex, drugs, and twerking, just as a final fuck-you to the world before she destroys all of reality."

"The monster," Space Cop muttered.

"Alright, let's go," Satan said before he teleported himself, Charlie's car, Charlie himself, and Space Cop out of there, leaving the vampire to tumble across the street before she was vaporized by a blast from the Autobot Bumblebee.

.

At Disney Studios, Charlie's car reappeared inside the set of _Hannah Montana_, now being pointlessly rebuilt for Miley Cyrus's plans to get it back, even with reality about to be destroyed.

Space Cop, Satan, and Charlie all jumped out of the police cruiser, much to the shock and fear of the Disney employees around them.

And ahead of them was Miley Cyrus herself, who appeared dressed as a sexy witch, staring back at the trio with an evil grin.

"Now you all die," she whispered before she yelled, "And we can't stop, and we won't stop!"

And like that, she began twerking, with her ass in front of the trio, for enough deaths around the world had accumulated. And when this happened, the reality around everyone began to shift and mold so that it was more like putty than anything else.

Soon, the battle at Forks between the Transformers and Bella's army was at Disney Studios, with Megatron trying to shoot down Bella herself, but who avoided all of his blasts; Optimus Prime was trying to swat Edward off of him as the vamp was tearing the Autobot apart piece by piece, and Starscream was bashing Jacob Black across the ground.

By now, though, reality had soon become nothing more than a lucid dream; chocolate poured all through in the background; penises and vaginas manifested from the chocolate to have disembodied intercourse; and all because of the witch Miley Cyrus's twerking.

But throughout it all, with Satan now a six-year-old Victorian-era girl and Charlie a successful gay porn star amidst flocks of beautiful and ugly women that appeared and disappeared from out of nowhere, Space Cop and Miley Cyrus remained constant.

In the void that was now the insanity of reality and of non-reality, where people became things and things became people, and places became times and times became places, and shit just going so full-out that no sane, rational mind - be it human or any other sentient being - could comprehend the near-indescribable effects that reality now suffered from, Space Cop managed to end it all.

He slapped Miley's ass, and from there, everything became black as non-reality collapsed back into real reality.

.

The next thing Space Cop knew, he was back in the bar in Milwaukee, with Satan beside him in the other stool.

"Do you mind telling me what the fuck just happened?" Rich Evans asked the Devil.

"You saved all of reality, by smacking Miley Cyrus's ass," Satan said. "The _Twilight_ vampires and werewolves have all been destroyed, and the Transformers have returned to their own reality to continue to wage their war in that reality there. Miley Cyrus herself has returned to being a celebrity who does things for shock value - really no better than Tom Green when you think about it - Charlie is back being a cop, having forgotten about his now-dead daughter, and I have my powers at near-unlimited lengths again."

"So what does that mean for me?" Rich asked. "I'm back to being a regular schlub?"

"Yep," Satan said with a nod. "Goodbye." And then he disappeared, leaving Rich alone with alcohol to deal with the madness he just endured.


End file.
